When We Don't Know What To Do... 2 Chronicles 20

I’ve been wrestling with a few things the last few days. I think I’m learning that I’m an emotional person 😅. Whew. I don’t know that I like it, however here I am. Ha.

This week has been a swirl of emotions I don’t even know how to label — or even process 😩. The designer I hired for the house is wildly gifted — truly — but the process has felt unorganized, frustrating, and chaotic. I’m doing my best to stay patient, to give her the benefit of the doubt, while still trying to hold some level of accountability. All the things you (or at least why I hired a designer) feel unmet… minus the fact that I love the new furniture 😍.

What's really been upsetting is all things kid-related 👩‍👦‍👦. Managing schedules, learning to give appropriate autonomy while still guiding and teaching — it’s a lot. And then there’s Keimani’s mom adopting him back — which is a total miracle 🙌. I know it’s a good thing. It’s so God. I see the redemption in it, and even with all that clarity, it still hurts 💔. The logic behind it isn’t fixing the ache.

What’s made it harder is watching both boys — especially Syrus — share more with her and feeling blindsided by it. I keep telling myself, “This isn’t about me!” but regardless of what I know, it doesn’t hurt any less😔. I feel such a loss… maybe even rejection, or failure.

Finding out through lawyers that Syrus, too, wants to be adopted back by his mom and change his name just felt like another blow💥. Why can’t anyone just be upfront? The truth? Even if they were — would it feel any better? I don’t know. It just hurts. It’s a lot. Sadly some of this triggers old feelings! I can feel how much it ties back to my divorce — that same old ache of “maybe I wasn’t enough. ”So there’s the context. And all I can really say (or cry out) is: Lord, why do I feel

this way? This is a season/or changes that should feel happy. This should feel like a “Well done, good and faithful servant” moment 🙏. But it doesn’t. I’m hurting. Really hurting 💔. Trying not to react. Trying to just… breathe. I’ve prayed so much — “Lord, what are You going to do here? What does this mean? Why does it hurt so bad?”

And then today, I opened to 2 Chronicles 20 📖. King Jehoshaphat heard that armies were coming against him, the very first thing he did was call a fast 🕊️. That stood out to me immediately because the New Testament says in Matthew 17:21 — “This kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”Some battles — the deep, spiritual, heart-level ones — require a different kind of posture.

In verse 12, Jehoshaphat prayed:“We have no power against this great multitude that is coming against us, nor do we know what to do — but our eyes are upon You.” That right there feels like a recipe for me to follow. I feel like I have no power against any of this. I have no clue what to do or even how to process how I feel. It’s like he’s describing exactly where I am — I don’t know what to do, or what to say, or what to feel… but I do know where to look 👀.

There’s more. A few verses later, the prophet reminds them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. "Then verse 20: “Believe in the Lord your God, and you shall be established.” In the Hebrew, it means to be made firm, secure, unshakable — to stand steady even when everything around you feels uncertain. So in other words, believe in the Lord your God, and He will make you steady again.That feels like what I need right now.I’m choosing to trust God, even when this hurts more than I can explain 💭.

Then verse 17b says, “…take up your positions and wait... you will see the Lord give you victory!”

Does that mean He’s giving me a front-row seat to the miracle? 🎟️Is He saying, “Do your part, and I’ll do Mine — and you’ll get to watch it unfold”?

So that’s where I am today. Im hurting. Im wrestling, ALOT. Im trying to understand and make sense of I allt🕊️. Regardless of all of this, I still choose to believe — I need to keep my eyes on the One who does understand ✨.

If the battle isn’t mine, then neither is the outcome 💪.