It's been an intense and rough couple days to put it lightly. As much as I would love to go on and on about all the specifics...theres no time to focus on external circumstances and all the things I feel are happening to me. Instead I really want to focus on what God is doing in me.
Just when I think I couldn't be more at the end of myself, the end of self, and fully surrendered; He takes me deeper.
Every-time I get to the other side of something hard, painful and what may feel like downright unfair, I feel grateful. Strange right?! Inevitably I feel that I am growing closer to Christ and that's a feeling I really like! Instead of praying these hard things away, which is my preference, I am starting to invite the Lord into it with me instead. I feel as though reading the Word each
morning has been like my safety belt.
I unknowingly felt lead to meditate on Ephesians 3 and specifically verses 18-20 yesterday.
Let me guide you through what the process is like. First I divided up the scripture into smaller parts. Section by section I recited the verses as follow:
And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
I repeated that portion of scripture about 10 times as I stretched. Then I moved onto...
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.
I continued to repeat it over and over for another handful of minutes, then I started reciting...
This extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God!
After another couple minutes on this section on extravagant love I moved on....
Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this.
Finally I recited the following.
He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you.”
I went back to the top and did it for a second time. After that I laid on my back and simply listened. I felt the Lord say, "Release it to me Kami." I did...at least I think I did. I released my worries. I handed my worries to God and as I did visualized literally handing it to Him. As I did, I prayed "Take this cup from me Lord, not my will, but thy will be done!"
Little did I know that precious time with the Lord was equipping me for the next 24 hours.
I don't even have words for yesterday. I went to bed last night at a complete loss. I slept better than I would have expected and woke up this morning with an excruciating headache. Im not surprised. Yesterday felt like pure hell. The icing on the cake was when Keimani locked himself in the bathroom at about 830pm last night after I had told him WE (he and I) needed a good nights rest and to go brush his teeth. (Did I mention he punched a hole in the wall on his way up the stairs after several choice words and name calling?). I can honestly say Im thankful he did because it allowed me to cool down. I was hot!
I cannot even begin to express to you the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that comes over me in these moments. Im learning a lot. When there are triggers for any of the kids I feel Im learning how to navigate, but this was new. Very new. I feel like I was a beginner again and had NO tools. I go from feeling I am called to this and uniquely equipped in one moment to feeling I am terrible at this and who am I to be attempting to do this work the next? It's amazing how I can feel "so cool" one minute to serve God in this way and like a complete failure and completely exhausted the next. If I’m not careful it's in these moments I can easily slip into despair, like I’m a victim.
Last night, Keimani was begging to go live with his BIO mom. It seems as though C being reunified with her mom has stirred up a lot of feelings for Keimani, as it should. I know there is a hole in him as I can only imagine there would be wanting to be wanted by his bio mom. I know
there is in fact a place in her that does. I could go on and on, but that isn't what I want to get stuck in. That isn't the point. The point is all of these external challenges have got me on my hands and knees praying, "Lord give me the next right thought or action. I am trusting you Lord to move in our midst." I actually surrender and believe you are moving in my midst even if I cannot see or feel it.
So today, I literally fell out of my bed and rolled over to my prayer chair, sitting here with a pounding headache. My spirit literally cried out, "Lord what am I going to do? Lord I need comfort. Lord Keimani needs comfort. Landon, Colton, Skyler and Syrus need healing, revelation and comfort." As I sit here opening the Word this morning Im thankful for this reminder,
With tender humility and quiet patience, always demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try your patience.
Lord knows my patience has been tried.
And never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but instead let your words become beautiful gifts that encourage others; do this by speaking words of grace to help them. Lay aside bitter words, temper tantrums, revenge, profanity, and insults. But instead be kind and affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ’s love.” Ephesians 4:2, 29, 31-32 TPT
YUP, needed to hear that this morning. Just as I need this from the Lord, my children most certainly need this from me. Lord thank you for this and help me walk it out. As my heart aches for my
children and because of them I am reminded that the Lord is giving me power in this season to understand, as all of us (Landon, Syrus, Colton, Skyler and Keimani) should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Lord, pour out your extravagant love over us until we are filled to overflowing! Thank you that your great power is working in us Lord to accomplish all this. Achieve infinitely more than our greatest requests, our most unbelievable dreams, and exceed our wildest imagination!
Strengthen my faith Lord. I know I cannot give what I don't have. Lord, I pray you'd fill me with your love today and let your love flow through me.
Im such a fixer and I want all this to happen like NOW. I want us to be reconciled and healed now. I want all triggers to be healed. I want my sweet children's hearts to be healed. I want to FIX things, NOW. When will I get it through my head I can fix nothing, but God can, so I should certainly let him.
As I go through really hard things, Im gaining in intimacy with the Lord. While I wish this wasn't the path I had to walk, I am allowing the Lord to discipline me in this simple way.
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