2 Samuel 20:8–10: When the System Stops Restraining Them

I’ve been sitting with this story for a couple of days now—long enough that it’s become deeply unsettling to me as both a leader and a parent.

Joab was a military man. He was good at what he did. Ruthless, yes—but he never pretended to be anything else. His loyalty wasn’t really in question. He served David relentlessly. He showed up, again and again, to do the hard, bloody work—not always the right thing, but the thing that was needed or expected in the moment of the groups Military leader. He was loyal. He was consistent. Even as life happened and David grew more passive, Joab remained steady—especially in the areas David no longer seemed willing to lead in.

🔹 Joab Didn’t Suddenly Become Violent

When Joab murders Amasa under the guise of a warm greeting, I wasn’t shocked. It didn’t feel out of character. Joab had always been this way. He had to be really to serve in the way he did day in and day out for David. He lead the military. The difference this time? David didn’t command it. Here's the funny thing, David didn’t stop it either. David didn’t even really respond to it. This is the same David who once held Joab accountable. Who once led with clarity and authority. David was also a military man however now he's older yes, more hesitant for sure and increasingly unwilling to confront what’s uncomfortable.

🔹 Leadership Shapes Culture

As much as I would like to have a direct talk with David, I can't help but realize how guilty of this I am too. I've likely promoted people into roles they were never meant to hold. I've kept people in positions even after they’ve shown me—sometimes over and over—they’re not trustworthy anymore.

Is It because of fear? Maybe It's truly fatigue and maybe It's because I don't want to deal with the hard conversations or fallout that might ensue. Unfortunately I've learned that eventually it still needs to be dealt with but it gets harder and harder!

🔹 This Applies to Parenting Too

As a mom, I feel this for sure. (Being a single mom is too often my excuse too.) When I set a rule and let one of my kids break it—even once—the other kids are watching. My inaction is still an action. They’re learning: what’s allowed, what’s tolerated, and what gets ignored.

Why would Joab expect David to hold him accountable when David didn’t stop his own son from raping his sister? Or when he let Absalom return and plot a coup without consequence?

Little by little, David’s leadership was tainted and the natural result, those who followed him lost respect.

🔹 Consistency Is Hard, But Necessary

Especially for parents with multiple kids—it’s hard to stay consistent. We start out strict and structured, but over time, we get tired. Unfortunately and and all compromises speak louder than we think.

The goal is not to dismiss grace—but to acknowledge truth. Grace says: You are still loved. Truth says: But this is who you are right now. Grace says: You are more than your worst moment. Truth says: But you still have to face the consequences of it.

My Prayer Today

• Lord, give me strength and discipline to be the parent You’ve called me to be.

• Help me be the leader You’ve asked me to be—at home, in work, in ministry.

• Show me where I’ve grown soft, where I’ve stopped inspecting what I expect, and where I’ve allowed culture to shift on my watch.