John 12
I'm on a 4 day school trip with my daughter's 8th grade class. Things have been so busy. I woke up extra early today. I am craving my time with the Lord. There are many things swirling in my brain. "Lord, quiet my mind. Open my heart to your Word this morning and reveal your heart to me."
As much as I can, I try to find a quiet place to open the Word. I find this simple routine quiets the noise of the world, and I am easily able to nestle myself in the Word.
For no rhyme or reason, this morning I find myself reading The Passion Translation. (I love the FREE Bible app on my phone, especially when I travel or find myself on the go.)
I've been wrestling with the prompting to bring the boys' sisters into our home. C has been in a local group home for over a year now. When their other sister came to live with us, I just knew I couldn't manage both of them. (Isn’t it funny how we tell God what we will and won’t do?)
Ever since L stopped living with us, C has been on my heart. I pray the Lord will open or close the door. I'm so reluctant. I know I am at capacity on so many levels, yet I know if the Lord is in this, He will provide. C had a distant relative step up to give her a home. I was keeping in touch with her case manager throughout the process. Things were moving along. I often found myself thanking the Lord that I didn't intervene and get in the way.
It's a beautiful thing to watch God take care of her.
About three weeks ago, the week before Easter, her placement fell through. I was asked if she could stay with us for Easter weekend. "Of course she can stay with us." I really love having all the siblings together whenever possible. I know how important it is for them to be together. Immediately, I started praying if the Lord wanted her to come into our home permanently. I'm in the middle of selling my home, both boys are graduating, and I'm still not making any income as a Realtor yet.
"Lord, is this wise?" I find myself wrestling. I pray, "Lord, I can make plans, but I beg you, Daddy, to direct my steps."
I journal, I pray, I journal some more.
A week later, C calls me to see if she can stay with us again over the weekend. I find myself continuing to pray and lean in. "Lord, are you leading me to do this?" She's thirteen. She's had a hard road. Her track record isn't clean. Oh, but Lord, the only reason I wouldn't take her right now ultimately is my comfort, my personal ambition, and fear of the unknown. I have prayed this over and over.
Today, as I read through John 12, I cannot help but pause as I read,
"The person who loves his life and pampers himself will miss true life! But the one who detaches his life from this world and abandons himself to me will find true life and enjoy it forever! If you want to be my disciple, follow me, and you will go where I am going. And if you truly follow me as my disciple, the Father will shower his favor upon your life."
I can't help but believe this is directly speaking to my questions and concerns about bringing C into our home. “I am your disciple Lord. Shower your favor upon my life.”
I continue to read John 12...
"For they loved the glory that men could give them rather than the glory that came from God!"
John 12:25-26, 43 TPT
So often, as I read each day, I am prompted to pray.
Lord, help me lay down my personal ambition, my comfort, and all my fear. I know the root of fear is selfishness and self-centeredness. Pull up this root, Lord. Father, as much as I want you to take this from me, I'm surrendering this morning...not my will but Yours be done.